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I could start my day with a cold shower to try to rub off the internal sound piercing through my hot, unstable body.:
Covid, Cancer,
Covid, Cancer,
Covid, Cancer,
Covid, Cancer, Cancer.
But no, Cancer vibrates louder in all of me as I prepare get the news. Is it more cancer than six months ago? Or rather yet, is it stable enough cancer to risk virus exposure for over an hour laying on a hospital bed, half-naked, flirtatiously revealing my most vulnerable and attractive body part — the elongated neck?
Or on this day, at 6 am, I could choose to not shower because after our dreaded date, I will still have to wash away the fluid, insoluble fear, and robotic doctors’ strangle marks. Why are the strangle marks always larger than my endearing neck surgery scar? They are also the perfect prerequisites for a virus microcosm.: Oh and I can’t forget to try to wash off the markings embedding the microscopic virus that caused a worldwide pandemic. But the markings never seem fade even, after painfully arduous scrubs. I wonder, what is worse — the cancer or virus? Which could bring alive the peaceful mortality that I deserve? Would the virus’s brevity or cancer’s longevity matter? I guess I could find out and remove all doubts, but there seems to be no more light within me to further investigate or trial. My scananxiety was already spent on the cancer part years ago; I have no more left for Covid.
I think about backing out with a polite but, succinct rain check. But your secretary has been calling and texting me incessantly for the last three days to remind me of our special day. I kind of feel like I know her automated, monotone voice better than yours at this point. I almost sent the message. I really did. But you would know my lame excuse immediately. I cleared my schedule for you because you are my number one priority. Maybe, that is why you never try as hard as I do. You know that I am smitten, mostly by the fear and wouldn’t dare to leave you first. Left to a standoff against myself, I breathe in and try to calm myself the rest of the day in my pajamas — a potential date should authentically like me whether I shower or not, right? I try to pass the time until our grand union but, it has been frozen since yesterday. Even though, it is a workday…
